Endings
It always feels like the winter solstice and the lengthening of the days should mean the end of winter, not the beginning.
therapy
Binders Full of Grief
I’ve been thinking about all the ways grief sneaks into our lives. How it isn’t just an emotion relegated to death of loved ones.
My Therapist is Leaving
After all of those conversations about my fear that she would leave and trying to believe she really wasn’t going anywhere — my therapist is leaving.When we had those conversations, she didn’t know she would be leaving anytime soon. Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it is a lot more complicated.
What I Think the Therapeutic Relationship is Trying to Tell Me
I have recurring therapy dreams where I go to an appointment and other people are in the room during what should be my time. I’m angry because she should know better. I’m hurt that she doesn’t care enough about me to give me one hour of her life. During the dream, I feel a twisting countdown as I watch the clock, hyperaware of every passing second that I won’t get back. I want to express my feelings but feel helpless to do so. There’s even part of me that feels relief to have one of my deepest fears confirmed. To not have to worry about it anymore.
A (Lightly Edited) Email to My Therapist
I have mixed feelings about emailing my therapist. But I can say for sure that I’d be a very different version of myself if she didn’t allow me to express myself through writing. Sometimes it’s philosophical and intellectual musings. Sometimes it’s a funny meme that accurately sums up something we have been talking about. But sometimes it’s a dive into my brain with no Coast-Guard-approved life vest.
I turn 40 Next Week and My Brain is a Clip Show of the Last decade
April, come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain
May, she will stay
Resting in my arms again – Simon and Garfunkel
By May Day in North Carolina, you can safely dig warm homes for even the most fragile plant. The state bird is perching on the state flower; the over-saturated red of a cardinal next to the whites and pinks of the dogwoods.
The Explosion of Pandora’s Box
Therapy is meant to be a safe place. Maybe the safest a lot of people have ever known. It is a place that absorbs all the scary and big stuff until you’re ready to slowly walk back out with the parts you need. That is a lot of laughs, tears, shame, frustration, and fear.