A (Lightly Edited) Email to My Therapist
I have mixed feelings about emailing my therapist. But I can say for sure that I’d be a very different version of myself if she didn’t allow me to express myself through writing. Sometimes it’s philosophical and intellectual musings. Sometimes it’s a funny meme that accurately sums up something we have been talking about. But sometimes it’s a dive into my brain with no Coast-Guard-approved life vest.
I spent most of my appointment yesterday crying and shrugging while she talked because making words happen out loud was just too hard and honestly, sometimes crying is cathartic. Sometimes the tiny version of me demands it.
But on my drive home I processed the session and sent my thoughts to her later in the day. I’m editing it lightly here to protect the less innocent but sometimes I think it’s useful to share my mostly unedited thoughts because I’m always amazed at how not alone I am. How not alone we are.
Week of 4/12/22
I think a lot about how many of my problems come from trying to navigate between opposing thoughts. Because like I said, my “what ifs” aren’t always negative.
Let’s take a ride on Rhiannon’s train of thought, shall we? Buckle up.
Sometimes my opinions about myself aren’t negative. Sometimes I’m sure I’m awesome. Sometimes I feel better than everyone else. Smarter. More loved. Sometimes I feel like I’m an even better writer than people think I am. Sometimes I feel important or like I make other people’s lives better. Sometimes I’m sure if I wrote a memoir it would be AMAZING. I am obviously your favorite client of all time and you’d be so sad if you didn’t see me every week.
Then I feel wrong and delusional for those thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m full of unearned confidence. I am clearly not better than everyone else, so I’m such a self-aggrandizing asshole for those feelings.
Then of course there’s the part of me that is sure no one actually cares. That is sure I annoy everyone. That I’m sure I’m not nearly as great as I think I am. Nobody thinks I’m that great. You are annoyed by me, I don’t matter, you wouldn’t even notice if I was not your client [I think I need you not to reassure me about this for reasons that will become clear momentarily].
Then there is the part of me that is sure thinking those thoughts is just me looking for pity or being whiny and negative.
I know that most of the time the truth is probably in the middle. But that doesn’t matter because just the EXISTENCE of these thoughts is problematic. The fact that I sometimes have these feelings in the first place makes me guilty of either egotism or wanting everyone’s attention through pity (which… I mean is sort of its own brand of egotism).
And then the big problem is that I feel/think all of those things AT THE SAME TIME.
A lot of times it just feels like there is no safe place for my thoughts/feelings to land inside my own head. There’s not even a safe direction to turn. Every direction is booby-trapped.
But if I harp on that or let it bother me too much, I’m just a self-absorbed whiner.
And then I wonder if me telling you all this is just me trying to get reassurance.
Reassurance seeking is just me being needy and making it all about me.
But like, I have OCD. I’m good at reassurance seeking.
But reassurance-seeking feels manipulative… especially because I’m good at it.
But, again, OCD. I want reassurance. Compulsively.
So being open about any fears, sadness, etc, feels like I’m trying to get reassurance. So the only way to avoid that is to not be open about those things.
But that’s not really who I am – so I’m open about it. And then I feel manipulative. Vulnerability feels passive-aggressive.
If I let myself feel like maybe things are a little hard for me, I’m being dramatic and everyone is like “she complains about everything.” But, sometimes I do feel like it’s a little hard to be me. I do feel sorry for myself.
Worrying about being self-absorbed feels self-absorbed.
Therefore, no matter which way I turn I am, inherently, making everything about me and manipulating everyone else into making everything about me by the act of EXISTING.
But then at the same time, I feel like a compassionate, empathetic, giving person who cares very much about other people.
But maybe I’m A) Wrong and B.) Conceited.
Then circle back to the top of this and wash, rinse, and repeat simultaneously forever.
I think the TL;DR of all that was, “I don’t deserve to feel the way I feel.”
But “deserve” simultaneously means “I don’t have any right to feel the way I feel” and “It’s not fair that I have to feel the way I feel”
