Participation points

Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in preschool anymore.

I’m not the mother I expected to be.

Every day it feels like there is something else to sign up for, a new request for parent participation.  It hurts every time I  see the “I am interesting in participating in XYZ” signature line, and have to move past it.

I get it, the schools are depressingly under-funded, so the teachers have to rely on parental involvement.  Plus, having parents who are actively involved in their child’s education is important.

I am stretched too thin right now to participate in the ways I expect of myself. I hear about the parents who volunteer in the classroom.  The parents who show up to each event.

I can’t keep up.

I signed up to be on the communications committee (My degree!  I can use it!) and then had to email the leader and say that I just couldn’t commit, because reasons.

It doesn’t help that the smells, lights, and long hallways of a school send me into some sort of failure flashback.  I was, shall we say, not the best student.  But you know the one thing I did well?  I participated.  Even when I didn’t do the work, and really didn’t know what was going on, I could bullshit my way through class participation to a degree that left the teachers and those who liked to cheat off my papers shocked when I failed the written tests.

And now I’m failing to even participate.  I would say I think the other parents are judging me, except that would imply they have knowledge of my existence.   I don’t hang around with them making awkward small talk while we wait for the bell to ring, because I don’t show until 5:30.  I don’t go to PTA meetings because they are during the work day.

I never knew that Kindergarten would be so overwhelming!  I wonder if this is a byproduct of the learn-more-faster legislation that is suffocating our kids.  Because it certainly feels suffocating.  Was it always like this?  Maybe my mom will weigh in in the comments.

I want to end on some sort of empowering “it’s okay!” and “we can do the thing!” note, but honestly, I’m not there yet.