Businessman Succumbs to Power of Eno Festival, or Heat Stroke
I originally wrote this for the now-defunct Bull City News in 2016. Come to think of it, it was the last thing they ever published. I try not to think about that too much.
humor
10 Simple Steps for Adjusting to Daylight Saving Time
As amazing as it is to play outside after work because there is still light in the sky, the process of getting to that point can be painful. Lucky for you, I have come up with simple steps for success. As long as your definition of success is very, very loose.
Happy F*cking Holidays From the McSmiths
Here’s a bit of satire that I originally published last year over at Sammiches and Psych Meds.
Happy All-Inclusive Holidays!
Local Family Searches “Literally Everywhere” for Missing Mother
I seem to be in the middle of a prolonged writing slump, so I’m going through my portfolio to share some of my favorite posts from other outlets. This Ruby Grace piece was originally written for MockMom.
Excuse Me While I Go Stare at the Eclipse so I Don’t Have to Look at This Fucking Mess Anymore
Kids,
I’m super sorry I threatened to dismember every Barbie left on the floor, limb by awkwardly-bent limb. I totally regret my promises to have Zumba practice on top of all the shit in your room if you won’t clean it up.
Can You Call it a Vacation, Really?
We took a vacation!
I’m kidding. We went to the beach for an hour before Lorelei got sand in her bathing suit and said she was ready to go. The amount of time spent walking to and from the car, with all the sunscreen application, clothing changes, bathroom breaks, and showering was longer than time spent actually on the beach. We didn’t have Rowan with us, which may have felt more vacation-like since we didn’t have to keep him alive at the beach, but he was home with my parents because he had diarrhea. If you’ve got to use the word “diarrhea” in your description, it probably wasn’t much of a vacation.
Just Get the Kids to Help and Other Misguided Parenting Advice
My essay, The Dishes Can Wait and Other Lies has had an inexplicable social media surge over the last few days. Once again, I am seeing a lot of sanctimommious strangers saying, “Just get your kids to help clean!”