Businessman Succumbs to Power of Eno Festival, or Heat Stroke
I originally wrote this for the now-defunct Bull City News in 2016. Come to think of it, it was the last thing they ever published. I try not to think about that too much.
Satire
10 Simple Steps for Adjusting to Daylight Saving Time
As amazing as it is to play outside after work because there is still light in the sky, the process of getting to that point can be painful. Lucky for you, I have come up with simple steps for success. As long as your definition of success is very, very loose.
Happy F*cking Holidays From the McSmiths
Here’s a bit of satire that I originally published last year over at Sammiches and Psych Meds.
Happy All-Inclusive Holidays!
Local Family Searches “Literally Everywhere” for Missing Mother
I seem to be in the middle of a prolonged writing slump, so I’m going through my portfolio to share some of my favorite posts from other outlets. This Ruby Grace piece was originally written for MockMom.
Excuse Me While I Go Stare at the Eclipse so I Don’t Have to Look at This Fucking Mess Anymore
Kids,
I’m super sorry I threatened to dismember every Barbie left on the floor, limb by awkwardly-bent limb. I totally regret my promises to have Zumba practice on top of all the shit in your room if you won’t clean it up.
Negligent Mother Implicated in Wolf Habitat Incident
Durham, NC – Visitors to Durham’s Museum of Life and Science were disappointed to learn that all outdoor exhibits beyond Sprout Cafe were closed to visitors on Monday.
Yer a Wizard, Hillary
The close race between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump defies all logic. How could a human cheese doodle with anger issues possibly be this close to the presidency?