The last few years have been a long-distance marathon away from a pick-your-poison selection of darknesses. The state of being me felt unrelenting and impossible to bear — In my mind, I was not running towards anything better, I was just running away. I was plumb out of fight, so all that was left was a panicked flight to keep the shadows behind me — hard to do when you’re not necessarily setting the sun as your destination.
I found this essay yesterday while searching for something else. Since today is the fourth anniversary of Rachael’s stroke, it seemed apropos to share it here this morning.
It seems like everything has an awareness month. I bet, if you look hard enough, you can find at least one that applies to you. I always joke that May is Awareness Awareness Month since it seems to be a popular choice. Just for me personally, there’s Mental Health Awareness Month, Asthma and Allergies Awareness Month, and Preeclampsia Awareness Month.
Rowan is two and a half. That’s halfway to five. More than halfway to kindergarten.
I wonder, sometimes, if I expect less of him than I did when Lorelei was his age. Am I letting his former preemie status stand in his way? Or is he just a different kid, with different strengths?
Milestones are exciting but I’ve never been someone who gets weepy about them. Ok, I may have cried a little during pre-k graduation but I have never gotten verklempt about first steps or pooping in the potty. I tend more towards, That’s done. Check it off the list. What’s next?
Two years ago a phlebotomist came into my room at 5 am. She inserted a needle into the crease of my elbow like someone had once every few days for the last two weeks. I was amazed they were still able to find a vein. Nothing stands out about that particular needle stick. It melts together with all the rest of the early morning wake up calls that involved someone standing over me with a needle and vacutainer.
Have you ever been so stressed out that suddenly you just… weren’t?
Last week I was clinging to the end of my rope by a very frayed thread. Tuesday morning, I woke up extra early. The windows were open, the ceiling fan was on, the birds were chirping, and it was the perfect temperature in the house. It was just perfect. For about two minutes. As soon as I noticed myself thinking about how lovely everything felt, my brain fell apart. It’s not even that I was having coherent anxious thoughts — there were no thoughts, it was all chaotic swirling of overwhelming feelings. It was suffocating and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I mean it felt like there was literally not enough oxygen in the air.