Showing Up For Myself

This is the time of year where I fall down a values rabbit hole (the other time is around my birthday). It’s all the talk about resolutions and goals. It reminds me that, at least for me, resolutions and goals aren’t the wishing trees of growth.

A key component of various sorts of therapy is the idea of values vs goals. You can have goals along the way, but you want to point yourself towards your values, without any endpoint. It’s my favorite therapeutic principle and the one that has been most useful and enduring for me over time.

I imagine values as branches and vines growing out of me intertwined with words like “growth,” “self-expression,” “curiosity,” “creativity,” and “connection.” The leaves are the whistle-stop goals along the way that give my dopamine-seeking brain the instant gratification energy to keep moving forward.

In the pandemic, the tree shed its leaves. What was the point of even small goals when the whole forest seemed poisoned? Without goals, moving in pursuit of values felt too vague, too all-encompassing.

My tree, and my ability to write about it, languished. The topic of the pandemic grew too big and my input felt too small. And for a while, the pandemic felt like all there was.

But what if I reverse engineer it?

How about if I start with a long-term goal and carry it back to the tree? I think I can find value in that, too. A goal for value’s sake, not a goal for the goal’s sake.

I want a blue verified account badge on either Facebook or Twitter (Or, I suppose, Instagram. Did I mention I’m using Instagram again?)

“How in Zeus’s name is that a worthwhile goal?” you might ask.

My best chance at getting verified on either Facebook or Twitter is through their journalist registration.

I have some of the requirements, but I really need more national bylines. Twitter wants them within six months of the application.

In order to get national bylines, I’m going to have to actually write things. Lots of things. Big things.

In order to actually write big things, I’m going to have to write small things because writing begets writing.

In order to write any things, I’m going to have to think and do things that motivate me to write. My best writing is when I’m untangling the thorny vines of a messy life that others experience but haven’t been able to put into words. I can’t write those stories standing still. I need to find passion again. To figure out how to use the cracks to let the light in. To live out loud (metaphorically).

I need to find a way to show up for myself again.

I’m going to have to do these things with the explicit knowledge that I might fail to reach any of these goals, which will likely prevent the ultimate goal of the blue badge. I’m going to have to remember how to tolerate, if not fully embrace, rejection. I’ll have to be ok with that risk and do it anyhow.

Even if I fail at my goal, I’m still moving in the direction of my values. And really, that was the goal all along.