Is Authenticity Ever “Fearless?”

The other day, I ate probably six pieces of Dove chocolate, one after another, like an actual chocolate vacuum.  I barely took the time to get the wrapper off, even less read them. Most of them were boring anyhow, but I appreciated these two, especially as I was trying to tape that second one back together.

I wonder, is it even possible for authenticity to be “fearless?” Is that something other people experience, really? I think “bravely authentic” is probably the better way to put it, because isn’t authenticity just an anguished plea for people to like us for who we are?

The difference as I see it is that authenticity is made of the badass insecurity of full disclosure, as opposed to the self-limiting insecurity of making oneself smaller to fit within certain ideals of who you think people want you to be. Authenticity is hope. It is in the acceptance of the possibility of acceptance. It is saying, “It is worth the risk.” Authenticity is vulnerability, and I don’t believe vulnerability is ever fearless.

This is only a possibility in a world of possibilities.
There are, obviously there are many possibilities,
ranging from small to large, before long there will be short, before short there was nothing.
When there was nothing there was always the possibility of something, becoming what it is.
– Ani Difranco

Authenticity without vulnerability is just recklessness.

One thing I have struggled with in the past, is this idea that self-acceptance and authenticity mean giving up any forward momentum. That it somehow means saying fuck it, I am who I am, this is me, it’s not going to change, even as I desperately want to. Finally, I realized I don’t need to hold onto the parts of me not serving in my best interest. Authenticity is not stagnation.

The trick is in figuring out what you want for yourself.

The equanimity of the past six months was such a curiosity in my life that I slowly got wrapped up in the hedonistic feelings of contentment. I was missing the lovely ocean view while examining the beauty of each grain of sand. I forgot that in order to keep the things I had unearthed, I was going to have to keep digging to fight the tide. I’m pretty sure that tide was also bringing in some seriously mixed metaphors, but it always does.

Basically, I was concentrating so much on the individual things bolstering me that I forgot to keep an eye on the values that had gotten me to that vantage point in the first place. I misplaced equilibrium and found myself looking for what I wanted, rather than what I needed. Not that there is anything wrong with getting what you want — it’s just when it starts to tip the scales away from what you value in the big picture that it gets complicated.

I found myself standing at the drink machine, holding a fistful of Pirouette cookie sticks in one hand, and two quarters in the other. Raising my hand to my mouth, I stopped millimeters before I bit into the quarters rather than the cookies. That was my moment. The slap-me-on-the-ass moment of ridiculousness that I needed. Jesus, Rhiannon, you are being a caricature of yourself and you need to reign it in. Whatever gap in your life you’re trying to fill with unhelpful coping is not going to respond any better now than it did last time. Or the time before that. Or basically ANY OF THE TIMES.

Time. for. some. fucking. introspection. You know what feels almost as good as the heady Dyonesian indulgence (the tide also brought hyperbole, evidently)? Understanding what drives it and not beating myself up; figuring my way around it, even though my internal GPS is faulty.

I need a reset.

I’ve said many times over that the thing I crave most in life is deep and meaningful connections with people.

Sometimes I need to remember that I, too, am people.

I need self-connection.

My writing has presented a struggle for me recently, as the big things going on in my life are blogging non-starters for a variety of reasons. I have the germination of so many reflections that are difficult to bring to light without writing about them directly. And while I do think it keeps me from making connections with readers that I might otherwise, and my writing suffers for it, I also came to the conclusion that being authentic to myself is more important anyhow.

I need to slow down.

I need to stop looking for completion as the benchmark of perfection, or perfection as the benchmark of completion.

When I seek change, it needs to be for the sake of the ride, without a destination in mind. I need to keep focus on the big picture; to understand that something that moves me in the direction of one value can be tilting me away from another, and that purposely ignoring what I don’t want to see is nothing but self-sabotage by neglect.

Maybe she just has to sing, for the sake of the song
And who do I think that I am to decide that she’s wrong.
– Townes Van Zandt

I need to keep my balance. An over-watered plant is in just as dire a position as the thirsty one.

Messing up and giving up are not mutually inclusive. One of the hardest things for me is dealing with what I perceive as failure and not just throwing my hands in the air and failing harder. Berating myself for missteps never gets me anywhere near actual, demonstrable change towards the better. Even “better” is a loaded word.  So here I am, once again at that precipice of movement towards myself. At the end of each day, I want to be able to list the things I did that move me towards my values, and the things I did that moved me away, and see that my overall movement is growth.

The thing that I’m noticing is the more I travel this path, the more that internal GPS calibrates and the easier it gets to navigate back to where I need to be. It’s easier to laugh with myself and keep moving forward.

Every year, at the closing of the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, everyone joins together to sing Pat Humphries’s Never Turning Back. All the artists who are still there join each other on stage. The audience gathers. Everyone sings. It’s a straightforward and easy song. To me, it captures authenticity and vulnerability. A few of the verses:

Gonna keep on walking forward
Keep on walking forward
Keep on walking forward
Never turning back
Never turning back

Gonna keep on singing loudly
Keep on singing loudly
Keep on singing loudly
Never turning back
Never turning back

Gonna keep on loving boldly
Keep on loving boldly
Keep on loving boldly
Never turning back
Never turning back
-Pat Humphries