Flying Solo, Values, and Bioluminescence
I’ve never read or watched anything Marie Kondo, but there is one thing I know for sure — there are tons of things that spark joy that are really shitty choices for you in the long run. It’s completely possible she addresses this directly, but as I said, I just know the catchphrase and its shortcomings.
When applied to choices, not just physical decluttering, so much of what we believe sparks joy in the moment is ultimately working against long-term happiness.
It’s been almost a month since my half-sleep epiphanies about values and I have obviously become a fucking guru. I’m kidding, nobody should listen to me about anything. That said, it does feel like something has shifted in the last month or so — probably since Wellbutrin gave my brain space to breathe (mindful, cleansing breaths, of course).
As much as it pains me to say it, I think my therapist’s maternity leave may ultimately be a good thing. It forced me to actually feel my feelings and sit with them and think through them, rather than putting it all down in writing for her. Writing is still the best way for me to work things out, but maybe there is something to be said for not having a witness to every thought and fear. I think it’s going to make things better when she returns.
Sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I need a witness – Dar Williams
I have to stop myself frequently and remember that values are not a checklist. I do not get to say, “I was kind to someone today, so that’s done now.” Values cannot be fulfilled, only fulfilling. Or something.
Rather than questioning if something sparked joy, question if it is in line with your values, or at the very least not discordant to them.
For the last few months, I’ve been considering the idea of a solo winter trip, but could not settle on the wheres, whens, and hows. The whys are not so murky; spontaneous planning and space are both on my values list. And when you consider the connection between mind and body, it falls within “being kind to my body” and “personal growth.”
After going back and forth and planning out several different trip ideas, I finally settled on Puerto Rico. But the whens still plagued me. Then, on a Tuesday a couple of weeks ago, I woke up and decided to check out Expedia on my phone while I ate breakfast – and that’s when it hit me. I was going to go that weekend. As in three days from that moment. I picked out a hotel (La Playita) and as soon as I got to work, I booked it.
Then I made alllll the lists. Packing lists, shopping lists, medication lists. I went to Target and bought a new bathing suit. I ordered an awesome bag to use as a carry-on (affiliate link, but I seriously love this bag for the price). I read about Puerto Rico. I had not planned to do any excursions, but rather to have a nice relaxing weekend with nowhere to be at any certain time. Then I read about the bio-luminescent bays, which was something I’d always thought sounded cool but suddenly I had to go there.
After I booked the BioBay tour, I realized I had picked a different bay than I meant to — one that was all the way across the island. This was the first of several small issues that could have been annoyances but ended up making my trip far better than I could have ever imagined.
There were some who seemed incredulous that I was going to do this trip myself — including my Lyft driver to the airport, who seemed fairly sure I was flying directly to an early grave. Going alone is more comfortable for me in a lot of ways because I don’t have to worry about other people’s expectations, reactions, or timelines. All of the decision making is mine. And if I’m honest, I love how powerful and in control and grown up it makes me feel. Rawr.
When I got to the San Juan airport, I discovered that while Uber exists in Puerto Rico, the airport is one of those places (as in some mainland US cities) where taxi lobbies have worked hard to keep Uber away, at least as far as pick ups. Taxis stress me out — I much prefer the ease of ordering and paying for a ride on my phone.
For some reason it’s a lot easier to let these types of stressors and unforeseen circumstances roll of my back when I’m alone. Many of my “not-quite worst-case-scenarios” actually revolve around embarrassment, which is less scary when there’s no one I know to see me be awkward and make mistakes. Also? I found it plain hard to be anxious in Puerto Rico.
After an admittedly awkward cab ride, I was delivered to my hotel. My basic plan for the weekend was to sit in my room and relax, sit on the beach and relax, and sit in the hotel restaurant/bar and relax. As I walked to the front desk, I saw a sign that the restaurant was closed for reconstruction. The lovely clerk showed me to my room, which was undoubtedly their “worst” room (shares the building with the reception area, and overlooks a small courtyard) — then again, I booked this three days prior, and the worst room in a lovely hotel in Puerto Rico is still a room in a lovely hotel in Puerto Rico. I figured my “stay in room” plan was view-dependent anyhow.
You know what? I’m so glad that the restaurant was closed and that I had a room with no view because it forced me a little more out of my comfort zone. Rather than staying with a few meters of the hotel the whole time, I asked the clerk for a suggestion for dinner and where to find a good mojito. He suggested El Alambique, a beachfront restaurant less than half a mile away (via the beach!).
I loved that mojito. And the next two mojitos. As I walked back down the beach, I pet every dog I could and saw what looked to be a shark fin bobbing in the water. Another group had just spotted it as well, and we were like, the fuck, is that a shark? That’s a shark, isn’t it? Later, as I walked by them again, the shark was still in the same place. That shark hasn’t moved. But it’s definitely a shark because that is a much more interesting story. One of the guys in the group was like hell yes that is definitely a shark we are going to tell everyone we saw a shark.
I befriended a peaceful tribe of kittens between my hotel and the beach. I wanted to snuggle and cuddle them, of course, but even leftover pork wouldn’t soothe their feral ways.
Eventually, I followed random music and found a palm tree to sit underneath as I watched the night sky unfold. I was feeling calm and contemplative and like everything was just really all right at that moment. The thought crossed my mind that people would make judgments about me uploading photos to FB and generally being on my phone. Then the thought crossed my mind that I really didn’t care because it bridged the gap nicely between being alone and being lonely. Also, it was my vacation, so probably all of the rest of you people should get out of my damn head.
The next day it was still definitely a shark. With a bright blue fin. Still bobbing up and down in the exact same place, a couple feet from the safety/no-wake-zone rope float. Definitely. A. Shark.
I spent the morning relaxing on the beach before leaving for the biobay tour. On the way there, I was feeling a little hungover and generally antisocial and sorry for myself. That’s a difficult feeling to maintain as you’re riding along with the mountains on one side of you and the sea on the other. The mountains were lush and green, despite the January date.
Puerto Rico has both rainforest and dry forest. Some parts of the island average about 25 inches of rain per year, while others average 175 inches. To put that in perspective, Raleigh/Durham had its wettest year on record last year with just over 60 inches.
It’s a huge amount of geological, meteorological, and ecological diversity for an island smaller than Connecticut.
The trip was just under 2.5 hours each way and the roads were… let’s just say the US needs to spend a lot more money on the roads in Puerto Rico. Among other things. There were a lot of buildings in various states of disrepair, and I could not tell what was from general economic hardship and what was from Hurricane Maria. The most ironic portion of my trip was when I really needed a paper towel and couldn’t find one.
It was such a strange feeling to really have no idea what was happening. I knew that at some point I’d see some glowing water but nothing else, really. When we got to La Parguera our guide took us straight to a small restaurant where we all sat together. They brought us a selection of appetizers and we could buy alcohol.
Then we hopped on two boats and meandered our way out into the Caribbean to watch the sunset, sip a beer, and swim. And possibly step on a sea urchin, though only one couple took that add-on experience, which I think they would rate a 0/10.
After a while, we backtracked to the bioluminescent bay to wait for real darkness to fall. As the stars came out, I saw Orion, Cassiopeia, The Pleiades, Taurus, and a homeland security blimp. I could almost make out the milky way, but not quite. So while it wasn’t the best night sky I’ve ever seen, in combination with the rest of the experience it felt pretty special.
Then it was dark enough to get in.
There is some controversy over people swimming in bioluminescent bays, and whether it is harmful to the bay— but I certainly wasn’t going to be the only one who didn’t get to experience it. The biobay at La Parguera is not as bright as the more famous Mosquito Bay, on the island of Vieques, just off the coast of Puerto Rico. What it lacked in brightness it made up for in solitude. The ten of us on the tour and three guides were the only people out there that night.
When you move your hand or an object through the water quickly, it looks like the water itself is actually glowing a light blue. When you make smaller movements, it’s like glowing glitter moving on your skin. We spent a lot of time rubbing our arms underwater, wiggling our fingers, lightly clapping our hands. As you lift an arm out of the water the glowing sparkles fall away with the water. Even after I was back on the boat, if I rubbed a hand across my swimsuit, it would momentarily sparkle.
It was magical, and really the only time during the trip I wish I hadn’t been traveling alone. Especially since you can’t easily capture it on film.
The next day, I checked out of the hotel and rented a beach chair and umbrella. I napped, finished a book, and went swimming. I rarely swim in the ocean, and definitely not by myself, so this says a lot about both the calmness of both the water and my brain.
Before I left, I went for one more Mojito. And a rum punch. And the best margarita ever. The island breeze was blowing around me as I watched everyone at the bar start singing along to My Girl. This was the song my parents sang to me as a child to get me to sleep. So yes, I was the person at the bar on the beach on Puerto Rico sobbing while singing and drinking a fruity mixed drink at 3pm.
Then I called for my Uber and said goodbye to San Juan.
I know myself well enough to understand the risk of falling into depression after a great trip. It is no coincidence that I first sought therapy five and a half years ago, immediately after returning from vacation.
Not today Stan (that was supposed to say Satan, but ok, let’s blame Stan).
Well, maybe a little, because that’s how life is. I almost had to take Rowan to the ED again. I got sick. I’m tired. Same old stuff.
Reacclimating to a life that is excruciating in its realness is always difficult, but I figured I might as well continue on the path of self-care and not self-destruction since it seemed to be a generally better bet.
I know when something clicks into place with the intention of sticking around. In 2013, I was in the best shape of my life, exercising most days, eating well, and feeling strong, even while being generally anxious and depressed. Then in 2014 I got pregnant with Rowan and everything basically went to hell and I never crawled back out completely. Right now, I feel back in that place, but also more than that. I know a lot more about myself now. I know how bad it can get. I know that even doing everything “right” doesn’t guarantee that it won’t end up that bad again someday. But for whatever reason, this feels like a time when my brain is clicked into the need to do what I can.
What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I’m not dead yet so I must be stronger. – The Nields
I’m finishing up DBT. Last night, I got a massage. I’ve eaten well and exercised and still treated myself. I am giving thought to connection and friendship and what makes me happiest, trying to piece together the complicated puzzle in my brain. To keep life balanced and healthy.
And when it all falls apart again – because this is life and it will, eventually, in big ways and in everyday ways and just because it’s winter – my hope is that I will have created a softer landing, or at least a nicer ride in between.
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