Happy F*cking Holidays From the McSmiths
Here’s a bit of satire that I originally published last year over at Sammiches and Psych Meds.
Happy All-Inclusive Holidays!
Can you believe 2016 is almost over? It’s been an excitement-filled year for all of us!
We started the year off right by taking a fun little anniversary vacation on a luxury cruise to Bora Bora. We really do like to be frugal, so we opted for the 18-day itinerary rather than the far more exciting 21-day cruise. You can’t be too careful in this economy.
Jim is, once again, the top salesperson in the region. The flea market pirated DVD business is not what it used to be, but he keeps his nose to the old grindstone! We have to work hard since my trust fund doesn’t fully mature until I manage to “produce a child who is not a disgrace to the family name.” Oh well, great Aunt Gertie can’t live forever, and if anybody can stretch that first few million, it’s the McSmiths!
The biggest news is that I have become a motivational speaker for those who live on a limited income. I cannot wait to drop some knowledge on those poor souls. Make sure you attend my first seminar: “A tale of two houses – how to keep your winter vacation home without the guilt.” Don’t worry, you can still come to me for all of your legging, tote bag, makeup, and health shake needs!
Jane graduated college and has become a vegan, if you can believe that! Luckily, I just love cooking two separate meals every night.
Yes, I did say vegan, not virgin. Some gifts just aren’t returnable. Her middle name might be Mary, but that’s the only thing our Janie has in common with the Virgin Mother. Therefore, as the year draws to a close, we will be hosting our annual holiday celebration in honor of Margaret Sanger. You should probably eat dinner before you arrive.
We are so happy to announce that Joe has entered a 6-step program. He says it is just like a 12-step program “except for the God stuff.” And evidently the “not drinking” part. 2016 has been full of trials for us all, but especially for Joe. Thankfully, the judge saw that he was just too stupid to have known that mixing ammonia and bleach would poison half the kitchen staff at the restaurant.
Some of you may know that we had to send our beloved dog, Scout, to live on a fantastic farm full of happiness and sunshine! But seriously – we had to have him put down.
As we look ahead to 2017, the McSmith family is full of gratefulness and hope. Hope that our country will come together in peace and unity under our new dictator. Hope that New Kids on the Block, Boyz II Men, and Paula Abdul will go on tour together. Hope that our children will finally move out of the house.
Best wishes and happy holidays!
Molly, Jim, Jane, Joe, and the ghost of Scout (may he rest in peace)
Stay tuned for the McSmith family’s 2017 letter
