When Tired is a State of Being #funnynotfunny

I have a ton of new readers (or at least new Facebook followers who I hope will be readers). I think normal people would be excited about that. I, on the other hand, am suddenly gripped with an inability to write anything because what if they hate me? I think most of you have gotten here via the “The Dishes Can Wait” essay, which was sort of my pinnacle of sarcasm, hyperbole, and snark.

I regret to inform you that it’s all downhill from there.

Judging by the comment sections, some people think I’m already pretty far down the hill. I’ve decided that my best way to fight the trolls and haters is to embrace them. So I’ve added a new “What Random Internet People Are Saying About Rhiyaya” section to the sidebar (or bottom if you’re on mobile). It includes the best and the worst. I figure if I can’t beat ’em, I’ll make them work for me.

I’m drowning.

Everything is so busy at work that I am momentarily panicking every time I think about it. When I shut my door and try to just breathe for a minute I realize I’m so tightly wound that my muscles are twitching.

For all the jokes about me being perpetually overwhelmed, the times when the water creeps just above my head is always a little surprising. It’s sneaky. I don’t even realize it until I see the fish swimming by.

Each extra thing feels like one more rock in my pocket. So many little details keep piling on. My brain is playing pinball trying to figure out priorities. My internal spring is winding tighter and tighter. Let me just pull out all my standard metaphors for this.

I am in charge of two big projects that take a lot of organization and dealing with other people’s moving pieces. I’m great at organizing things. Spreadsheets, lists, rooms. I am a ball of stress when asked to organize moving targets. I can’t express how much I hate ongoing organization. I don’t think I have had this much anxiety about work in years. My brain is so noisy that it is drowning out all voice of reason. I’m going to fuck this up somehow.

My friends comment on my ability to “get shit done” even when I’d rather crawl into a hole. But this is one of those tasks that is difficult for me to lean into. I just want to go home and escape it. But then… home is where the kids have spilled sticky things and the cat peed outside of the litter box and and and….

I’m so tired.

Yesterday, I randomly came across an essay about how sometimes it’s easier to default to “fine, just tired!” when people ask how you’re doing, but that “tired” is a really loaded word. This was just a few hours after my therapist and I discussed the fact that maybe my current brand of “tired” was less than ideal. It’s true that I am regular tired — I have a kid whose sleeping habits are erratic at best.

It’s also true that going to bed at 7:30 pm because you feel a little defeated by life is maybe not the best coping strategy. But it’s the one I have at the moment. I can’t see the clutter with my eyes closed. I don’t have to think about anxiety and money and mental chaos when I’m asleep (except that most of my dreams are stress dreams involving evil wizards). I don’t even have to deal with Lorelei’s bedtime because I frequently go to bed at the same time. Or earlier. She comes in and snuggles up and we fall asleep and nobody yells.

I want to be funny for you all. Really, I do. Unfortunately, I’m just too tired.

The obvious solution is to go camping with friends where the kids will outnumber the adults. I do love camping, just sometimes all that being in touch with nature shit makes me introspective and I end up lying on a picnic table for hours, unable to move. “I may be anxious, but at least I am anxious in nature!”

There are a couple of fun things coming up

At some point, there will definitely be a return to funny, as I had a piece accepted by National Lampoon (yes, the National Lampoon — just in web form).

And also…

You guys know I don’t do many sponsored/promotional posts. Partly that’s because I have high standards (hahaha) and don’t want to end up reviewing something I hate. Partly because my readership isn’t large enough (yet?). But I did reach out to two different companies recently.

Next week I will review these new JarJackets sippy jars. It was a low-risk review because I love silicone-covered glass water bottles and I love mason jars. So this is like those two things had a baby. The company is an awesome female-owned business. More on that later – I just want to give you a head’s up that JarJackets has offered a giveaway for my readers! So stay tuned! (cough You could even sign up for new post alerts. Form for that is over in the right-hand sidebar, or the bottom of the page if you’re on mobile cough)

Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go stare at a giraffe’s ass.

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