Rowan slept through the night last night. This is not a drill. I repeat — Rowan slept through the night last night. This is the first time in many, many months that he has slept all the way through. On those occasions, my body was so used to waking up 29384029348 times in the night that I did not sleep well, anyhow.
I remember coming across a meme that said something like, “I’m not a night owl or an early bird. I’m a perpetually exhausted pigeon.”
Remember how I got all empowered by my own selfishness and self preservation last week? I proclaimed my lack of fucks to give. I reclaimed my rope! I cleaned and organized and made sense of the chaos.
7:30pm – Put Rowan in the swing. Turn it to level three, turn on the music, turn on the lights and mobile, stand on one leg, wish on a star, and sell my soul in hopes he will actually fall asleep.
I haven’t slept for more than three straight hours in eight months. I’m being held together through sheer force of will, caffeine, and napping in toilet stalls. Sometimes I forget what I’m doing – while I’m doing it. Why am I in the kitchen and why is the cat in the refrigerator? Did I say cat? I meant toothbrush. Sometimes I mix up words. I have a yoga mat in my office that is only used for corpse pose.
I’m mostly doing a decent job of being a person who is, you know… awake. But there are some things that I am just not capable of dealing with right now.