Hi there. It’s me, Rhiannon. I am currently super caffeinated. I am currently not super depressed. Those two things have nothing to do with each other, I just wanted to give you a head’s up about the first thing. The blog post is more about the second thing.
The last few weeks have left me raw. A bundle of nerve endings too close to the surface, chafed by every tiny demand thrown by life. It would short circuit and leave me feeling stuck in the murky darkness, where feelings are different. Less than and greater than at the same time — a heavy fog shrouding the world in a deep sense of dread and confusion. I was aware that there were alternatives to the be found — that happiness did exist as a gossamer, intangible idea somewhere beyond the grey. A theoretical thing. If I reached for it, my hand came back empty.
Squirt is still with us. He’s consistently below five pounds now and his legs collapse every couple of steps. But he’s still eating and getting where he needs to go with no signs of pain. He can’t get in and out of the litter box very well, but puppy piddle pads (brand is called lil squirts!!) are working just fine.
There was a cup of water in my hallway.
I stepped over it several times before I realized I should probably pick it up. Once more, before I gathered the motivation.
Today was appointment day (a lot of days are appointment days).
First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. While my therapist and pretty much everyone else have agreed that I’m handling things very well considering the circumstances, I’m still overwhelmed and having some days of major anxiety. The last few months have been long and hard and more than a bit terrifying. I’m already on Zoloft for seasonal affective disorder/anxiety (which should come as a surprise to exactly no one, though I’m sure my mom’s dialing finger is itching right now), so we agreed it would hurt nothing to bump it up a bit. Obviously a lot is situational, but there is no need to suffer just for the sake of suffering.
I’m a little reluctant to publish this. I fear you will think I am depressed. I’m not. Truly. Pinkie promise. I am many things, not all of them are good, but that sounds reminiscent of the situation itself.