Durham, North Carolina – After the recent near-tragic accident involving a child and a snake display at the local science museum, the probably-careless mother of the six-year-old girl is taking action and vowing to never make the same mistakes again.
On March 30th, potentially-negligent mother, Ruby Grace, failed to notice the disappearance of the glass separating her daughter, Eliza, and the museum’s boa constrictor.
“I mean, who expects the glass to just vanish?” asked Grace, “My husband and I were looking at our one-year-old son when it happened. He was giggling and making hissing sounds at the snakes when we heard Eliza shriek.”
The constrictor slithered out the door and was last seen exiting the museum parking lot. While no injuries were reported, the internet has deemed Grace an unfit mother.
“I cannot believe she took her eyes off her child for one second. You just don’t do that, you know? You have to watch them constantly. That’s what’s wrong with parents today. You have to give each child 100% of your attention at all times. That’s just math. If you can’t manage to watch two children simultaneously while having a conversation with your husband, then maybe you shouldn’t have kids. My son is 17 and he has to sign in and out to go to the bathroom,” said internet commenter Serena Solomon.
“She was was on her cell phone, wasn’t she? I’m sure she was. So typical, nobody can be fussed to interact with their children anymore, and look what happens — the glass just disappears,” said one angry mother who declined to give her name, because “only wreckless parents would let the internet know they have children.”
Several readers wished the mother dead, and at least three suggested that someone should feed her to the snakes.
Outraged perfect parent, Dena Richardson added, “It wouldn’t have happened to me in the first place — my love for my daughters would have kept the glass intact.”
After internalizing all of the armchair parenting, Grace came up with a creative way to prevent any future momentary lapse of attention.
“I remember my mom always saying she wished she had eyes on the back of her head,” Grace recalled, “so I thought, why not?”
The definitely-irresponsible mother hired very expensive experts to help her prove her love for her children by implanting two micro cameras in her scalp. They were then wired to a set of Google Glasses purchased off of Ebay for $5.
Grace has also installed a live feed from every room in the house directly into the glasses. “There’s so much for me to pay attention to, and my housework has suffered. We have been eating [organic] ramen for the past month, but at least I always know what my children are doing.
Those internet people also pointed out that I should have been holding both of my kids’ hands while in public, so I have decided to build a third, and maybe fourth, arm to make sure I can do that and read the museum map at the same time. They have made me understand that a lack of available body parts does not give me permission to look away from my children.”
She has opened a Kickstarter campaign to make these additions available to the public. In doing this, Grace hopes to prevent other mothers from having bad things said about their parenting by people who weren’t there and didn’t see what happened.
After leaving her angry comment on Grace’s Facebook page, Serena Solomon clicked over to the Kickstarter page, where she added, “Helicopter parents are what is wrong with kids today. You should be ashamed.”
When asked for his thoughts on the events, Grace’s husband shrugged and said, “Nobody remembers I was even there.”